


Guilty Secrets

by LastHope



Series: Missing Scenes [2]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Gen, Guilt, Internalized Homophobia, Pre - City of Fallen Angels, Secrets, Spoilers for City of Glass, slight PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-04-18
Packaged: 2018-06-02 23:04:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6586447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LastHope/pseuds/LastHope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jace is acting weird, and Alec is worried. Both are struggling with the events of the Battle of Brocelind Plain and Lake Lyn after.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guilty Secrets

_“Well,” [Simon] said, trying to sound unconcerned. “I guess that means Alec will be back. So that’s good, right?”_

_“Sure.” Jace’s voice sounded lifeless._

_–City of Fallen Angels, Chapter 12: Sanctuary, pg. 234_

“Are you _sure_ you’re okay with me going?” Alec was standing in the doorway, but hadn’t yet entered his _parabatai’s_ room. A bag was slung across his shoulder and there was a jacket hanging over his arm. He was all set to leave, just making his rounds saying goodbye to everyone. Well, Isabelle and himself anyways. Jace was fairly certain Alec skipped formally saying goodbye to his mother because he was worried that Maryse would rescind her blessing for her eldest son to go on a (gasp) _unsupervised_ vacation with his _boyfriend._

Ergh _. Boyfriend_. That was a term Jace was going to have to get used to in regards to Alec. Growing up, he had always been taught that _that_ sort of lifestyle was wrong, and unacceptable. Honestly, a dark part of him _still_ thought that that sort of lifestyle was wrong. Jace was working on being open-minded though, especially considering that this was his _parabatai._ So any time he had any of _those_ sorts of thoughts, Jace meticulously stomped them down and locked them away. He had meant what he said when he had told Alec that he didn’t care that he was dating Magnus.

“I can always just stay here,” Alec continued, thoughtlessly turning his cellphone over in his hands, eyes locked on Jace. There was a worried look on his face and he was chewing on his lip like he always did when he was worried or nervous. Jace probably wasn’t helping things, uncharacteristically lying on the floor as he was. He remembered Magnus’s words from what seemed so long ago – “ _I don’t know, does he usually lie on the floor motionless like that?”_ – and the worry that it had spiked in Alec originally. “I don’t _have_ to go – I’m sure Magnus will understand.”

“If I keep you from your vacation, Magnus will turn me into a hat rack.” Jace mimed a shrug from his spot on the floor. “Can’t make you worry or cause any trouble as a hat rack.”

“I can think of a lot of trouble you could get into as a hat rack,” Alec responded immediately. Jace could actually _see_ the moment Alec processed what he had said, his mouth forming a scowl as he added, “And I am _not_ worrying.”

“ _Au contraire, mon frère_ ,” Jace replied breezily. “Worry is _painted_ across your face.”

“Is _not_ ,” Alec countered petulantly, and Jace merely raised an eyebrow in response. Alec sighed angrily, raking a hand across his face, before dragging it through his hair, causing it to poof up.

“All right,” He acquiesced. “Maybe I’m a _little_ worried.” Alec took three steps into Jace’s room and dropped cross-legged on the ground next to Jace. “You’ve been…” He paused, like he was trying to find the right word, “… _off_ , since, you know. Idris.”

Jace closed his eyes, and resisted the urge to sigh.

“You’ve been _off_ too since Idris.” Jace felt a little remorse throwing Alec’s words back in his face, but this was one conversation he didn’t really want to have. Alec, instead of backing off like he would have before, continued on unflinchingly.

“ _And_ you still haven’t told me what happened at Lake Lyn while the Battle of Brocelind Plain was going on.” Alec stared down at Jace with his dark blues like his _parabatai_ was an enigma he was attempting to deconstruct, but kept getting stuck.

“What’s there to tell?” Jace went for nonchalance. “You’ve doubtlessly heard it fifty times from Izzy already.” Alec’s cellphone, which he had placed on his knee when he sat down, vibrated, and Jace was grateful for the distraction. Craning his head, Jace could see on the screen that it was a text message from Magnus, and Jace could also see from his position that Alec had his boyfriend’s name entered in his phone with a disgustingly sappy text heart by it. _Stomp, stomp_ , there goes the bad thoughts. “You should probably answer that.”

Alec ignored his phone and Jace’s words, scoffing.

“I’ve heard it from Izzy, I’ve heard it from Clary,” Alec rolled his eyes before his eyes cut down on Jace as if they were glass cutting on flesh. “Mom, Dad, the Clave – I’ve heard it from everyone but _you,_ Jace.” It was slightly unnerving, Jace found, being on the receiving end of Alec’s ire. He had seen it directed at many a person and Downworlder alike before, and the occasional demon, but never had Jace had that sharp gaze directed at him in disapproval like this before. Jace found that he didn’t care for it much.

Still, he did his best to brush it off.

“I don’t see why you need to hear it again then, if you’ve heard it from _everyone_ ,” Jace shifted, pillowing his arms behind his head, and moving his legs so one was crossed over the other, propped in the air. He didn’t look over at his _parabatai_.

“Humor me,” Alec said dryly. Jace gave a faux annoyed laugh, and waved his hand.

“There’s not much to tell.” He insisted, though that was an enormous lie. But he and Clary had agreed not to tell anyone what had actually transpired at Lake Lyn that night. Anyone, including Jace’s own _parabatai_. “I stabbed Sebastian, went down to Lake Lyn where Valentine stabbed _me_ , before proceeding to summon the Angel–”

“He _stabbed_ you?” Alec interjected, an odd tone to his voice, like he was gasping. “ _Where?_ ” Against Jace’s better judgment, he looked over at Alec.

Alec looked as if he had just been stabbed himself. His face was white, like someone had taken his normally fair skin tone and swapped it for the white bedspread on Jace’s bed. His hand was clenched in a white-knuckled fist over his heart as if he knew, he _knew_ , where Jace had really been stabbed.

And for a very strong moment, Jace _wanted_ to tell Alec the truth. Wanted to tell Alec what had really happened at Lake Lyn that night. But, a part of Jace whispered, he _couldn’t_ tell Alec the truth. He had promised Clary that he wouldn’t tell, they had promised each other not to tell.

Jace was at war with himself, wanting to tell his _parabatai_ the truth, and not being able to.

“ _Jace_ ,” Alec was saying at the exact moment Jace said,

“This amount of worrying is _astounding_ for you, Alec.” Jace sat up completely, and turned, shifting, so he was sitting cross-legged as well, mirroring his adoptive brother. “You’re acting as if I –” he forced himself to say the words as if they were false, as if they were a bad joke “–died at Lake Lyn.” Alec’s phone vibrated again, and they both ignored it as Jace gestured to himself. “Quite obviously, I am _not_ dead, so I am confused as to what exactly you are worrying about.”

Embarrassment burned high and bright on Alec’s cheekbones as it was wont to do due to his fair skin tone. “Well _excuse_ me for being _concerned_.” He dug his fingers into his palms.

“If I had wanted your concern, I would have asked for it,” Jace snapped callously. “As it is, I _didn’t_.”

“ _Sorry_ that I thought you wanted to talk about whatever’s been bothering you, rather than just bottling it up,” Alec snapped back, throwing his hands up in the air.

“What makes you think anything is bothering me?”

“I just _do_ ,” Alec replied defensively. “You haven’t been acting like yourself since everything that happened in Idris, and within the past week everything just seemed to,” He waved his hands descriptively, “ _multiply_ and you aren’t acting like yourself even _more_ than usual. Not only that, but don’t think I haven’t noticed that you haven’t been sleeping properly. Forgive me for daring to think _anything_ could be wrong with _you._ ”

“Well nothing is wrong,” Jace said hotly, and he could feel his face flushing as he stood. “And, like everything else, my sleeping habits are none of _your_ concern. Now, if that’s all, _get out of my room_.” He pointed at the door, childishly, as if Alec needed directions to where the exit was, as if Jace were a little kid.

Alec’s eyes hardened, staring at him cooler than ice, and Jace almost believed that his _parabatai_ was an iceberg as he brushed past, leaving the room without so much as a word. Blood roared in his ears, and Jace bit his cheek, an inappropriate comment on the tip of his tongue. He had told himself to work on that part of him, and making that sort of comment wouldn’t help his relationship with Alec any.

Jace told himself that he needed to calm down, that being angry – especially being angry at _Alec_ who was only trying to be nice, was only being himself – was not right, but even so, Jace found himself unable to. He couldn’t pinpoint what exactly about the entire conversation had upset him so much, only that it _had._ Jace didn’t know how long he tried to calm down, only that by the time Isabelle came by his room, he still wasn’t calm.

“ _What do you want?_ ” He snarled when she stood in the doorway, knocking on the doorframe in order to catch his attention – Alec hadn’t shut the door when he had breezed out of the room.

Isabelle scowled. “Who pissed in your cornflakes?” She all but demanded, obviously unhappy with Jace’s greeting. Unfortunately, he couldn’t really find it in him to care.

“What does it matter to you?” Jace threw himself angrily onto his bed. Isabelle didn’t say anything in response, only studied him with cold calculating dark brown eyes. Jace wanted to say something to make her go away, but everything that came to mind sounded petulant in his head, and only exacerbated the feeling that he was throwing a temper tantrum.

“This is about Alec leaving,” Isabelle invited herself into Jace’s bedroom, dropping down onto the mattress next to him. It was a statement, not a question.

“It’s _not_ about Alec leaving,” Jace denied, because it sincerely wasn’t, but Isabelle had already convinced herself otherwise.

“You know, you could have just _told_ him,” Isabelle lounged back on her hands, turning to stare him down. “He would’ve understood. Maybe have been disappointed, but _definitely_ would’ve understood.”

“He offered,” Jace fed into Isabelle’s belief. By letting her believe that her first assumption was true, that mean Jace didn’t actually have to go into what had really upset him. “Said that Magnus would’ve understood.”

“And you let him go.” Isabelle drummed her fingers idly on the comforter.

“As I told Alec,” Jace said. “Magnus would have turned me into a hat rack so I couldn’t cause trouble and worry him.”

“What did Alec say?”

“That I could be a hat rack and still cause trouble.” Isabelle laughed.

“That’s true.” She agreed, and Jace found himself cracking a smile against his will.

They settled into silence, and Jace found himself significantly calmer than before.

“You know,” Isabelle broke the silence, staring at the ceiling, voice causing Jace to lift his head and look at his sister. “This is just as hard on Alec too.”

“ _What?_ ” Sometimes, Jace didn’t understand how Isabelle’s mind worked. He had no idea what she was talking about.

She sighed, frustrated, as if Jace was being purposely dense. “You _know_ ,” Isabelle emphasized, waving her hand as she spoke. “Your whole weird _parabatai_ marriage thing. That whole ‘ _whither thou goest, I will go’_ thing from your vows and whatever. I know that this is you guys’ first time really being separated as _parabatai_. It can’t be easy for either of you.”

“Well nobody asked you,” Jace muttered, more of lack of anything else to say. Isabelle took it in stride, rolling her eyes.

“ _Anyways_ ,” She forward marched with the conversation. “You two can still text, and knowing Alec, he’ll probably send pictures of the scenery of wherever they are.” Isabelle’s phone buzzed, and she pulled it out. She flipped it open, studied the contents of what Jace guessed was a text message before snapping it shut once more.

“And I gotta go,” Isabelle announced, hopping off of the bed, sliding her phone back into her pocket.

“Hot date?” Jace asked needlessly. Knowing Isabelle, she was probably just going to one of Simon’s shitty band performances.

“Eh,” She waved her hand. “Something like that.” She lingered at his doorway, looking back at him. “But seriously, I’m _positive_ Alec won’t care if you text him or whatever while he’s gone. I know it’s supposed to be a ‘romantic’ vacation and all that, but he’s not just going to drop you like a hot potato just because he’s dating somebody.”

And with that, Isabelle vanished from the doorway, leaving Jace alone to wallow in solitude. His door was still hanging wide open, but Jace couldn’t find it in him to care enough to get up and shut the door. Instead, he swiped his phone off of the bedside table and rolled over so he was on his stomach.

He stared at the screen for what seemed to be ages until he actually opened the phone, spending another eternity just staring at his contacts list. Jace took a deep breath, and opened a new text message. He debated and deliberated on what to say, before settling on just one word.

[ _Sorry._ ]

His phone shut with an ominous snap, and Jace held it in his hand off to the side, uncertain as to whether he’d receive a response or not. Surprisingly, or maybe unsurprisingly, it did not take long for his cell to chime with a response.

[ _It’s all right._ ]

* * *

 


End file.
